Looka here now: Bone blasts intruders

~ Alcars satire on a cold wet day. The names have been changed to protect the idle and the guilty ~

From the HG newspaper:

"Hambone went out the back, circled around the house, confronted the would-be robbers as they attempted to flee and fired multiple rounds from his Glock into the ground near the vehicle."

After discussing this article with my attorney J. Brown, he hypothesized for me.

Hmm...that's interesting Call...I see a potential civil action, but, I wouldn't take the case.
Here is how it could possibly play out if my big time Atlanta associates were to get involved.
J. Brown spoke of his partner Wesuda Pantsoffum and related this scenario.

Wesuda Pantsoffum addressing the court:

"My 3 clients left Gordon College after a grueling day of extremely difficult curriculum seeking needed sustenance. With Pizza Hut their intended destination, my client, Lascivious Lox, agreed to drive his beautiful blue Buick teetering atop expensive chrome 26 inch wheels complete with FlowMasters.
A nice ride enroute to a good local eating establishment. Image and comfort. Nice! Since the streets of Barnesville are laid out in a confusing pattern, Mr. Lox became disoriented and ended up on Hwy 36 West far from his intended destination. There was a bright porch light beckoning Mr. Lox like a moth to a flame. He drove into the driveway with intentions to inquire of the residents for directions to Pizza Hut. All three of my clients exited the idling Buick and accompanied Mr. Lox to ensure he understood any given directions. My client, Mr. D'jizzle gently tapped several times on the front door and the three students waited patiently for someone to answer the front door. As everyone is aware, it is difficult to ask questions and to receive answers when speaking to someone through a closed and locked door.

While standing there like the altar boys they are, my clients were immediately set upon and viciously attacked from behind by a frightful looking long haired bear of a man wielding a huge black cannon. This bold attacker discharged flame and bullets at least 10 times in the direction of my trembling clients. For the record, that gun toting assaulter was local notorious pawn broker, Hambone Bear.

My three well mannered and religious clients begged for their lives and bolted for the waiting Buick to remove themselves from harms way. My clients adamantly deny they were fleeing a robbery attempt. Their presence at the residence was a happenstance with pure intent.

It is very fortunate for my clients that Hambone Bear was not at his shooting best that night when he attacked my clients. Otherwise, there would have been tragic deaths and Gordon College would be minus three brilliant students receiving government aid packages which also benefit local economy.

"....gab..gab..on and on and on..you get the picture....I'll continue with the story.

Furthermore your honor, Hambone Bear ADMITS he brazenly fired into the ground with the intended purpose of frightening my clients. We only have his word, but, if that IS the truth, it constitutes an unlawful act. Therefore, in addition to this civil action against him, I ask that criminal charges be brought against Hambone Bear for discharging his personal weapon when his life was not in imminent danger. My law-abiding clients possessed NO weapons and were running away from Hambone Bear in fear of losing their lives. Again, they were not fleeing an attempted robbery as reported in the newspaper, they were terrified and ran only to escape the buzzing bullets. Hambone Bear insists he was only trying to "scare" them and not kill them.

The fact my clients are alive and suffering mental anguish proves Hambone Bear acted in an irrational and unlawful manner. With grand humiliation and post stress disorders manifested by Lascivious XX, Marbumpus D'jizzle and Antwun B. Foolin, we are seeking $3,000,000 in punitive damages against Hambone Bear so as to send a message to anyone in this beautiful community who condones such egregious acts. I rest my case. Will we get our check after the Settlement Conference?

Whew! I hope nothing comes of this. Wesuda is a pitbull and enjoys chewing on ham bone.

Call N. Alcars
'got some old silver coins and several gold teeth to sell you Hambone"

Yes sir! or Yes Maam! Wesuda Pantsoffum is the same capable and brilliant legal scholar with a pending case in Pike County. I am elated you remembered her name. Will you be needing a referral? Contact J. Brown and use my name.

Sheila, allow me to provide a logical answer since your question remains unanswered.

It simply means Anonymous was the "First off" with his premature joculation.

CNA
drum roll...It wasn't nasty Walter

Good afternoon Steve. "Looka here", your being confused, confuses me. After reviewing all the posted comments, the only mention of those 'gentlemen' being Gordon College students was written in my satirical comment #15. I saw no other posts assuming they were Gordon College students. Please expound if I'm in error. With you being the rational one, please realize my earlier post was for entertainment value only and in no way meant to disparage any Gordon College students. In fairness to Gordon College, I ask readers to insert colleges of their choosing in place of Gordon College. How 'bout them Dawgs?

Your defensive position in regards to our local college is admirable and appreciated. I respect educated people. Being aged affirmed and impulsively irrational, confusion comes easy for me since I'm pondering another side of this publicized incident. Questions remain and I'm putting on my thinking cap.

Does anyone know for a fact the trio were NOT GC students. No student ID's were found at the scene.
Could there have been four men instead of three? Does anyone know for a fact they were NOT armed?
Do we know for a fact if the large "getaway" vehicle was NOT a Buick but a Monte Carlo? All those large GM cars are similar. Do we know for a fact they were NOT Black, but were Hispanic, White or Indian, etc.? Some things are certain. It was inky black outside which provided the three melanin abundant robbing crew with a natural camouflage. A "blending in" so to speak. Hambone was unable to sight his Glock and take aim on his targets because of pitch darkness. His wasted lead burrowed harmlessy into the ground without striking flesh. Maybe a few night crawlers became frightened or disjointed.

Keep in mind that Hambone wears thick corrective lenses which could have fogged over during his heated excitement. Is it possible the events that unfolded may not have occurred as perceived by Hambone.
He came from inside a lighted residence directly into starless night and his vision could have been affected.
To further cloud the event, it's rumored that 3 escaped Black Angus steers were loose in the area that night.

Unless the "alleged students" come forward and shine a light on the shooting incident, we will have to take Hambone's recollection as fact. Hambone's word is good enough for me. Confusion gone!

If the three are genuine Gordon College students, I suggest they immediately drop out of classes and begin an instructional lesson plan with some of the 'Mill Street Layabouts'. They need to focus on the newly modified Street Thuggery course which will enable them to better choose in their "victim selective process".

Call N. Alcars
'hope this clears it all up'

Thank you cats. =^.^= ~meow~ ~meow~ =^.^=

CNA